The Tennislutionary War
by Feyren
Summary: American history is boring, but history with tennis is fun. And turning a boring war into a tennis tournament is even better. What really happened during the Revolutionary War?
1. The Discovery

Haha, I was bored and I just had to write this. As I don't want to waste my time doing something that won't be read anyway, if I get a sufficient amount of views and reviews, I'll continue it. If I don't, I won't delete it, but I'll leave it up there anyway. I have to go soon, because it's Conserve an Hour's Worth of Electricity Day!

This is in no way meant to be racist toward anybody. I hope you don't take it the wrong way, because I'm the last person to encourage racism, and besides, this story will end up being so far-fetched that you'll forget who's who in a jiffy anyway. If any part of this is offensive, tell me! I can't stand racism.

* * *

In some year at some time in some place, Christopher Columbus, usually known by his much cooler name, Sengoku Kiyosumi, set off on a journey to discover India. His country longed for spices and riches, and tennis balls, and he traveled by ship, carrying those desires and dreams with him. It wasn't long when he reached land, which looked nothing like India, but he presumed to be India anyway.

"Lucky!" he cried, and jumped off the ship and onto the land. "I wonder if there are people here who can tell me where the tennis shop is."

He wandered aimlessly, and soon came across two beings who looked much different from he. No, no, not their skin colors. Their shirts. Sengoku, you see, was wearing a green shirt, for that was the color of his country, Yamabuki. These two new people, however, were wearing white and grey shirts. They glared at him. One had short, red cropped hair, while the other had long, blue hair and glasses.

"Why are you here?" the redhead demanded. "You want to have a match? Let's play, Yuushi. This guy looks pretty scrawny to me." He whipped out a tennis racquet and aimed it at Sengoku, who stared at him perplexedly.

"Calm down, Gakuto," the blue haired one chided. "This newcomer is obviously very primitive. You can tell by the way he dresses." He looked Sengoku up and down. "See, his hair doesn't match his shirt at all. Very primitive indeed. He probably doesn't know how to speak human language. Maybe we should try grunting at him."

Sengoku felt as though he ought to have been offended, but instead grinned, ran over to them, put his arms around their shoulders and exclaimed, "Nice to meet you guys too!"

Naturally, Sengoku's discovery made him famous. Years later, people began to migrate to the New Land, which was soon called America, or Tennistopia. People from England, or RikkaiDai and Seigaku, settled on the east coast and lived a calm, serene life. But, as with tennis players, you can't have peace for very long.

"Can't we play?" Akaya whined. "It's not fair that Hyotei gets to play tennis and Seigaku and RikkaiDai aren't even allowed to have tennis racquets. I bet I could totally beat King Atobe in a game of tennis. And maybe break a few of his bones, too."

"We must obey King Atobe's orders," Jackal scolded, and continued to sweep the shimmering marble steps. King Atobe lived in his castle, which was surprisingly modern for the 1700s. It included a plasma screen television, a variety of iPods, a touch screen laptop, and can openers, although the can hadn't been invented yet.

"But I want to play!" Akaya stomped his foot and dirtied his Majesty's beautiful marble staircase. It sent a vibration running throughout the rest of the building. Beautiful vases, flowerpots, and sculptures all toppled down and shattered into billions of little pieces. "Oopsy," he said, not sounding very apologetic or guilt-stricken at all.

But that wasn't all it destroyed. The King's cherished golden tennis racquet, studded with diamonds and an MP3 player, fell from its podium and broke in half. Atobe gasped and snapped, "Ore-sama is infuriated! This means war."

Of course, that'dbe _after_ his two hour long bubble bath.


	2. War and Sugar

Hi! Sorry if the chapter came a bit later than expected. I sort of forgot I'm now taking piano lessons as well. (You don't want to know how many lessons I take in a week.) For those of you waiting on _To Try, _you can expect it sometime next week, hopefully before Saturday but probably not. I can only write one chapter at a time with school and all, but once Spring Break comes I promise I'll add as many chapters as I can. Spring Break is in a week for my school, so be patient, if you will!

Enjoy.

* * *

Atobe was very upset by the destruction of his prized golden racquet, but one wouldn't be able to tell by looking at him. He was bathing in a pretty marble pool with pink bubbles. "Scented salts!" he said, snapping his fingers, and a servant immediately ran up to him and offered him the salts.

King Atobe the Conceited was a very conceited king. He'd reigned over the land for many years, and ordered many taxes on the townspeople to pay for his luxuries. The people were outraged by this, and many people began to rebel against him. However, Atobe simply ordered them to go to prison, a suspension camp where people were forced to clean his racquets and paintings over and over.

Hyotei immediately took over the country of England upon discovering its existence, for they greatly admired the riches England had, as well as their very pretty accents. Seigaku and RikkaiDai did not object to this at first, for they believed Atobe to be a strong, fair ruler. They were bitterly disappointed.

The two teams instantly won over the sympathies of the French and Spanish, or Fudomine and Rokkaku. Fuji Thomas Jefferson Syusuke had many good friends there, but lost all communication with them when King Atobe grew annoyed by his phone bills.

Fuji sat in his cottage, lamenting, "I wish I could call Tachibana or Saeki. I miss them."

Oishi, also known as young Benjamin Franklin, smiled sympathetically while Eiji bounced around the house. "King Atobe forbids it, Fuji. I guess we have to make do with it. At least Atobe hasn't yet interfered with my dreams of becoming a secretary of the Royal Court."

At that moment, one of Atobe's guards ran up to the cottage and posted a sign on the door. Innocent, naïve Oishi went to read the sign aloud. "_No members of the Seigaku Village may become secretaries of the Royal Court." _Oishi drooped a little. "Oh well."

Eiji skipped over to both of them, good old Henry Lee. "Let's be happy! Atobe hasn't yet condemned us all to jail, and he hasn't proclaimed any new taxes since yesterday. A whole twenty-four hours! Life isn't that bad." And it was true! For Atobe not to declare new taxes for an entire twenty four hours... Well, that was certainly something to rejoice about.

The same guard who had crushed Oishi's dreams ran up to the cottage again and posted another sign. Oishi went to read it again. "_Atobe has declared the new Name Tax. Anytime a villager speaks King Atobe's name, he or she must pay a gold coin." _Oishi paused.

Fuji stared with his eyes closed. "Is that all?"

Oishi continued: "_Note: All citizens are required to speak King Atobe's name at least twice a day. Citizens who speak less than twice a day are sent to suspension camp for two weeks." _

Eiji groaned. "Aw, that's too bad." Then he perked up again. "I feel the urge to be happy and jump around anyway." And so he did. Fuji and Oishi watched their friend with smiles on their faces, feeling happy for him but depressed about the new taxes all the same.

Meanwhile, not so far away, in the rival village of RikkaiDai, Akaya, later to be renamed Paul Revere, and his babysitter, Jackal, were eating scones.

Akaya grabbed five and stuffed them into his mouth. "These are good!" He hesitated. "Well, good considering they were made of rock powder and murky lake water."

Jackal, the person who would later run with him whose name will not be mentioned until the next chapter, sighed sadly. "I'm sorry, Akaya. But ever since King Atobe created the new Flour-Is-Only-For-Royal-Court-Members-And-Jam-Is-Only-For-The-King law, there has been little ingredients with which to make food at all. These," he said, poking the rocky scones, "were the best I could do."

The young boy shrugged. "Who cares? It's edible. And Atobe hasn't taken sugar away from us yet, so it's all good."

Just then, Marui Bunta, or Patrick Henry, who can't write any moving and empowering speeches without the help of cakes and candy bars, burst into the room. "Do you have a Hershey's chocolate bar?" he demanded. "Atobe just created a law banning sugar, and they just ransacked my house. They're not going to this region for another two hours. Quick, give me all the sugar you have!"

Jackal shot up out of his seat, startled. "He banned sugar?" He and Akaya smiled like only insiders on an inside joke would. "We were just talking about that!"

"Who gives a damn?" Marui demanded, and tore open the pastry cabinet. "Sugar, sugar..."

"Wait, they really banned sugar?" Akaya pouted. "No, this is bad. This is outrageous! We should declare war on Hyotei!"

"Yeah!" Marui cheered. "Give me candy, or give me death!" He paused. "You know, that'd make a great speech topic."

"Then it's agreed?" asked Akaya. "We're going to declare war on Hyotei?"

"What's this I hear about war?" Yukimura suddenly asked, entering the cottage without permission. But he didn't really _need _permission, because he was Yukimura. And Yukimura is just Yukimura in the Revolutionary War until further notice, because, you know, he's _Yukimura. _

"We're declaring war on Hyotei!" Akaya announced. "We want to be an independent tennis team!"

"Yeah!" said everyone else in the room.


	3. Not Really Allies

Please, nobody be offended by this, but I'm going to portray Atobe as the conceited narcissist he is, and not as the true king of Britain at the time. I know England was really just trying to pay back the money that it spent protecting America in the previous war, but for the purpose of humor, go along with it, kay?

* * *

All was well in the Castle of the Awesome Atobe. The Awesome Atobe himself was currently sitting on his very awesome couch, watching very awesome television that was yet to be invented in his time period, but watching it anyway because he was rich like that. "Faithful servant Kabaji! Fetch me a lemonade mister."

"Yes, sir," was the mundane reply, and off the man went.

Atobe flicked his hair and flashed his pearly whites. "This is a fine day." And it was fine! He'd just assigned three new laws: the banning of sugar, the taxing of the usage of tennis racquets, and the taxing of breathing. They were very nice laws indeed. All the while his pile of gold grew bigger and bigger, while his threats grew smaller and smaller.

Or so he thought.

* * *

"Are we just going to stand for this?" Marui demanded of the crowd, who hollered a 'no' in response. "Are we just going to let them tax us for breathing, for having tennis racquets? And most horribly of all, are we going to let them take away sugar? We make the most money from sugar, the most income. Many of our families' futures depend on that vital income! Not to mention, sugar is freaking _tasty, _damn it! So join me in this fight for justice!"

The crowd shouted its declarations of approval.

"But how shall we begin our fight for justice?" Yanagi asked, ever the sensible one.

Marui grinned. "I've got the whole thing planned out. Those who are willing to disobey, those who are willing to fight for justice, for liberty, for righteousness, for freedom, follow me! Those who are not, speak nothing of this, or your traitorous body will be tarred and destroyed and your house will possibly be ransacked for sugar," he snarled.

Some of the crowd backed away slightly at this blatant announcement of violence.

He ended his speech in a chipper, happy voice, "Join me, people of RikkaiDai Village! Join me and we will soon have a new tennis team, _our _tennis team, the tennis team of RikkaiDai! Without the Village!"

There was a deafening roar of applause, and Marui knew he had succeeded.

* * *

"You know," Ryoma, also known as George Washington said idly, "I heard that the RikkaiDai Village is going to rebel and form an independent tennis team. They might even end up going to war."

"They're not going to do it," Momoshiro snorted, tapping his hand on the table and trying to stuff as many apples in his mouth as possible, "they're going to forget about the stupid thing in a day or two and we're going to go back to not being allowed to say King Atobe's name and—"

"I heard someone say King Atobe's name!" a guard outside shouted. "Ransack the house!"

Momoshiro gulped and swore slightly, while his best friend put a hand on his face and shook his head in exasperation. Ryoma dragged the older man into a closet, and he himself went to hide under the bed. And so, the guards found nothing but an empty house and several recently eaten apple cores.

When they left, the two walked back outside. The first thing Ryoma did was hit Momoshiro on the back of the head. "Idiot," he said. "You have a ways to go."

"Sorry!" he said through gritted teeth. "Hey, why don't we join the RikkaiDai protest team? There's no harm in going, and I'm honestly getting sick of these stupid rules. I heard something about it too, actually, this morning. They're doing something with sugar—throwing it overboard the incoming ship, I think. They're going to call it a Tea Party, even though it has nothing at all to do with tea."

Ryoma pondered this for a moment. "Well, I don't know. Maybe because you can't really drink tea without sugar, and Sugar Party sounds quite moronic."

"Who cares? They're looking for recruits, right? Let's go! Just because they're our rivals doesn't mean we can't join together to fight a bigger rival."

His friend rolled his eyes and said scornfully, "We're hardly rivals to Hyotei. They have nuclear weapons that weren't supposed to be invented until two hundred years later, because they're rich, damn it. But you have a point. We can always recruit the French and Spanish, too. I think Fuji-senpai is looking for an excuse to contact Tachibana-san and Saeki-san, and this is the perfect one. Besides, we all know how bad Fuji gets when he's with Saeki-san and Niou-san."

"And Eiji-senpai could help out too!" Momoshiro exclaimed. "He hates that Mukahi guy, and Fuji's got a grudge against Oshitari because he stole his move or something like that. And—" At this point Momoshiro gave Ryoma a nudge. "—You're not too fond of the king himself, are you?"

"No," he admitted. "Tch. He's not even good at tennis. I could beat him any day of my life. And his hair makes him look like a monkey."

He paused. "Monkey. Monkey king. That's a good name for him."

"_Who called Ore-sama a monkey?" _a voice could be heard shouting, and Ryoma frowned, deciding it was safest to go back into hiding under the bed.

* * *

"I miss Fuji," Saeki said, frowning.

"I miss him too," Tachibana commented. "We don't get to see him anymore, not since the French and Indian War. Huh. Probably shouldn't have fought in that war."

"I miss Fuji," Saeki repeated. "What'd you say?"

"Nothing." Tachibana sighed. "We can't see him these days. All because of that _stupid war..._"

"Fighting is bad," the young Spanish general mumbled, fiddling with a feather pen. Suddenly, his eyes lit up. "Hey, I know! If fighting got us into this mess, then it can get us out of this mess, too! All we have to do is start another war, this time with Hyotei, maybe for Seigaku's freedom or something. Who cares? If we fight another war, we'll be able to see Fuji!"

"We might also have to kill him, deciding on the side he's on and the side we're on," Tachibana said doubtfully.

It didn't seem as though Saeki had heard anything his friend had said, because he repeated, "We'll be able to see Fuji!"

_Yes, I should stop being a spoilsport and look on the bright side of things, _Tachibana decided, and agreed. "Okay! Let's go start a war!"

* * *

...Well. That certainly came out of nowhere. Just to warn you, this is going to have less and less to do with the American Revolution as the story goes on. It's going to get a bit crazy. And reviews are very welcome.


	4. Boston Sugar Party

I honestly have absolutely no idea where I'm going with this.

And I realized a lot of you must be confused, so I'm adding a recap:

King Atobe (the ruler of England) keeps announcing unfair taxes and the such. All the Hyotei members are a part of England, and they look down on Seigaku and RikkaiDai, the rebellious part of England. They had moved to the new country a few years ago, and Seigaku and RikkaiDai want to branch out and start their own tennis teams/countries. Meanwhile, Rokkaku (France) and Fudomine (Spain) are bored, and missing their friend Fuji.

Marui is **Patrick Henry**. Ryoma is **George Washington**. Oishi is **Benjamin Franklin. **Fuji is **Thomas Jefferson. **Akaya is **Paul Revere. **Jackal is **William Dawes **(the person who goes on the midnight ride with Paul Revere). Sengoku was **Christopher Columbus **(but that was like, centuries ago so he's out of the picture). And the other characters will be assigned historical counterparts later.

* * *

"Hi Atobe," Saeki said happily over the phone. It'd been a long time since he'd spoken to his friend Atobe—the only people he really got to talk to nowadays were the people in his country, who, to be honest, were kind of boring, and Yuuta, Fuji's little brother, a Hessian, who visited once in a while. And while Yuuta was lots of fun to tease, he couldn't really play with the younger boy because of Fuji's constant threat to kill him if he should even give the boy a paper cut.

Fuji was a very scary person.

Meanwhile, Atobe was staring into the phone, wondering why in the world Lieutenant Saeki Lafayette of France would be calling him.

A muffled, "_Hello, Atobe" _could be heard in the distance, and King Atobe realized that it sounded faintly like Tachibana of Spain.

"Hello, you two. What do you want?" he asked bluntly, holding out his free hand. "File my nails," he ordered to a servant, and turned back to the phone.

"I don't want to file your nails, Atobe," Saeki protested. "I want to start a war."

"_Yeah," _came that muffled voice. "_We want to start a war because we miss Fuji."_

"I miss Fuji, too," Saeki said perkily.

"_That's why I said 'we,' smart one."_

"I don't get it."

"Enough!" King Atobe snapped. "You want to start a war, you say? Fight on my side, then, and we can attack the imbeciles who supposedly wish to start their own tennis team."

"Will we be able to see Fuji?"

"When you defeat him, yes, absolutely," Atobe answered smoothly.

Saeki considered that for a moment. Sure, it'd be cool to get to face Fuji in a sword battle, but while Fuji was a pro at tennis, he kind of sucked at sword-fighting. And while he wanted to see his friend, he wasn't sure about killing him.

"Can we meet up with you and discuss it over a cup of coffee?" Saeki asked. "I'm not sure if I can kill anybody."

King Atobe curled his lips into a fine, confident smile. "Who said anything about killing?"

* * *

"Are you sure you want to go through with this? RikkaiDai isn't even here yet," Momoshiro said, quietly hiding behind a crate of sugar aboard the ship. Ryoma, Eiji, Fuji, and the rest of Seigaku were all beside him, while Captain Tezuka stayed back in the village, having a secret meeting with St. Rudolph, or the Hessians.

"Momo-senpai," Ryoma answered flatly, "it was your idea, remember? Mada mada dane."

He laughed nervously. "You're right! Ahaha..."

"Well, let's get this over with," Oishi said. "I'm not used to doing such uncivilized things, but I suppose this is for a good cause, right?"

"Can't we save some of the sugar for ourselves?" Eiji whined. "I haven't had sugar in my drinks in forever, since we went on that boycott and all after the stupid raised taxes. I don't like taxes. They're hard to type; every time I try to type taxes I end up pressing the 'z' button instead of the 'x' button and I end up writing 'tazes.'"

"I don't think we have computers yet, do we?" Kawamura asked, confused.

"Oh, you're right. Never mind."

Kaido and Momoshiro decided to sneak ahead to make sure the ship was entirely abandoned while Inui waited outside to keep a lookout.

That left Fuji, Taka-san, Eiji, Ryoma, and Momoshiro.

"I guess we should get tossing, huh?" Fuji said idly.

"I brought tennis racquets," Eiji offered, holding out nine tennis racquets and setting a few aside for their preoccupied teammates.

"Why?" Ryoma asked. "Why not Ponta?"

"Why would I bring Ponta?"

"Senpai," he replied, sounding exasperated, "why _wouldn't _you bring Ponta?"

Eiji looked confused, and so he repeated: "I brought tennis racquets."

"Perfect," Fuji said with his ever-present smile. "We can use these tennis racquets to toss the sugar overboard."

"We're here," Marui panted, staggering aboard the ship. The rest of RikkaiDai followed (excluding Yukimura and Sanada, who were also meeting with Tezuka and the Hessians). "Sorry we're late."

"Actually," Niou interrupted with an annoyed look, "we wouldn't have been late if it weren't for Marui."

"I've been low on sugar!" he insisted. "Okay, you can start tossing sugar overboard now. I just need one crate for myself." And with amazing strength (that greatly contradicted what he'd said about two seconds earlier) he lifted an enormous case of sugar. "And that crate." And up went another crate. "And just that other one over there." And with that, he balanced three crates of sugar all the way home.

Jackal shook his head. "Let's continue without him. By the way, put these on." He handed everybody a tiny ash tray, and smeared a few dark lines on himself. "So we look like Indians. Nobody will be able to suspect our identities then."

"Indians don't have red hair or platinum blond hair or green hair," Yanagi said with a pointed look to Ryoma, who carefully held his head as if he were defending his hair.

"Doesn't matter for me," Jackal said cheerily. "I'm bald. Let's start tossing."

"No taxation without representation!" Akaya cried, and began tossing immediately. "I love throwing things overboard! It's been so long since I've done it."

"Oh, really?" Fuji asked, making small talk with the younger boy.

"Yeah, the last time I did it, I'd thrown the captain overboard the ship because my dinner was too salty."

"Maybe you should have thrown the cook overboard instead," the smiling brunette suggested.

"Hmm, maybe. Oh, well. And there was also that time I accidentally stabbed a guy with my fork and he went to the hospital even though I didn't mean to kill him or anything. And then I got in trouble for it! Can you believe it?"

"The same thing happened to me," Fuji said solemnly. "I didn't _mean _to poke Tezuka's eye out with a cactus needle. Of course, he got better, but I still was punished for it."

"That's so unfair."

"I know."

And as they chatted, neither of them noticed that their friends had suddenly backed ten meters away from them.

"Run, run!" Inui suddenly cried, shoving past the gigantic crates of sugar. "Everybody, run for your lives! Hyotei's coming!"

The patriots' heads shot up, and immediately they raced out of the ship, leaving poor Inui to fend for himself.

Gakuto and Oshitari had already gotten aboard the ship, surveying the damage and wondering what they were going to tell their diva of a king. Shishido was chasing after the 'Indians,' while Choutaro trailed behind, begging him to stop shooting at the nice people. Kabaji was carrying Jiroh around because there really wasn't anything else to do (he might have sunk the ship if he had gotten aboard) and Atobe was at home being Atobe.

Hiyoshi sat in the corner of the ship, complaining about being left out.

"We've got to get home," Akaya panted, hiding inside a barn nearby the hectic scene. "We need to get home as soon as possible, get this stupid charcoal off our faces and pretend this never happened."

"Good idea," Momoshiro praised cheerily. "And with any luck, Tezuka-senpai's talk with the Hessians will have gone well. And then we might have a chance in this war."

"Or we could end up completely crushed and possibly killed by Atobe's infinite army," Fuji said casually.

"Yeah, that too."

* * *

Voila! And, after advice from some very smart reviewers, I give you **the preview:**

"_So I'm guessing that talk with the Hessians didn't go so well."_

_Tezuka, Yukimura, and Sanada surveyed the destroyed and ransacked room and collectively nodded. "Not that well."_

"_So what happened?" Inui asked, curiously._

"_Tezuka insulted them by demonstrating his zero-shiki drop shot," Yukimura said brightly. "And they decided that they were going to side with Atobe and Hyotei because of it."_

_Surprisingly, Akaya was the one to speak. "Gee," he said, "that sucks."_

_There was a moment of silence, as everybody stared at the remains of the house. Then Marui asked, "Does anyone want cake?"_


End file.
